I had been used

i had been used for my body before, i didn’t
mind it. i had a good trick about it - i didn’t have
to be there, not in my skin. i could wear the
mirror, wear the puppet. you would see your
perfect girl, a little monster i had concocted. she
would glisten, distilled out of my own blood and
venom. it meant i would be using you instead
- you think you are taking from me? darling, i
think this is a fucking joke, a role i am playing.
you can’t hurt me, i’m not present for the event.
this is just a body, like a book is only words.

and then you came into my life, easy and
honest. reaching for my hand in the crowded
holiday market. passing me a water before i
realize i’m thirsty. checking on me once, twice
- the first time i said i’m okay, you knew i was
lying. i keep thinking about the shape of your
blue eyes and the wild of your hair the last time
i saw you. how you got out of my car and when
you looked back, i was looking back too. your
quiet breathing in a hotel room.

you kissed me like you meant it, is the thing.

i don’t know how to be a person yet, not fully.
i don’t know how to let you kiss me and touch
bone. i tell my friends i hate this so much i
want to throw up. your name slips into my
head -iam no longer really ever alone. a little
frazzled heartrate keeps splattering against my
collarbone. my therapist asked yesterday - why
are you afraid? what is the cost of vulnerability?

a terrifying thought: when i’m with you, it feels
like finally coming home.

By Unknown